


to all the lions i've loved before

by Mellybear



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before Fusion, Bisexuality, Community: FFT, Confessions, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gay Remus Lupin, Love Letters, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), cue confusion, gryffindors getting up to no good, i'm here to water the crops, lily's love letters get out, the wlw content for marauders era is so dry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28397961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mellybear/pseuds/Mellybear
Summary: for chloeLily Evans' love letters are her most secret prized possessions. She writes love letters when she has a crush so intense there's nothing else she can do. The four letters in total are Frank Longbottom the head boy from her first year, Remus Lupin her third year study buddy, Marlene McKinnon long-time best friend, and the newest one. James Potter. When her letters somehow get out, after James has settled on a new girlfriend, the only person she can turn to for help is Marlene and her own letter.Lily/Marlene fake dating fic based off To All The Boys I've Loved Before. Pretty AU centric given a bit of bending some ages around and relationships. Gratuitous use of nicknames as is on par with the inspiration material.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Madam Rosmerta, Marlene McKinnon/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. daydreams

James Potter was an absolute nightmare, no two ways about it. The way he ruffled his messy hair when he felt nervous or cocky or pretty much any emotion. Him looking down through his glasses at you like they had x-ray abilities and he was using them to check you out. Everything about it was deplorable, and Lily Evans had known as much early on. Adults always complimented her maturity and astute nature. That just meant they liked the fact she could sit down and shut up on command. James on the other hand was very much the opposite, but the professors let his short leash have slack because of his Quidditch skills and sharp mind. He looked far too fit on a broom for anyone to intervene. 

When that intrusive thought polluted her stewing in hatred, Lily sat up with a groan. It was swelteringly hot in the middle of summer, and she’d been laying in the center of the bed watching her ceiling fan spin, lazily refusing to move at all. Not that it was helping. Just like pretending to hate James Potter wasn’t helping to push down the feelings that had begun to blossom for him. The girl tapped her bare feet on the wood floor, sitting on the edge of her bed. She looked across the room to her sister's neatly made and empty bed. Even though they were seventeen years old, they still had to share the one room in their parent's house. It wasn’t so bad since Lily was away at Hogwarts more than she was there, but it wasn’t ideal. 

If anyone were watching, they would see Lily looking very suspicious. First, her gaze went to the bedroom door and then the window, like she was looking for an omnipotent viewer. Clearly deciding there was none, she jumped to her feet, practically running on her tiptoes to close the door that hung open in hopes of promoting better airflow through the stuffy house. Then she pushed aside her Hogwarts trunk at the foot of the bed to reach just behind it. It wasn’t a _good_ hiding place, but Petunia wouldn’t dare touch her trunk after Lily warned her it was riddled with nasty curses that could turn her skin inside out. 

It was a lie, obviously. The secret being protected was a dusty old shoebox. It was the same one that held her uniform shoes all the way back in her first year. Brown wrinkled cardboard wasn’t exactly pretty, but unassuming. That made it perfect for the job. 

She lifted the lid slowly to see three aged envelopes. The handwriting improved on each one showing they’d been drafted at different times. These were Lily’s love letters. 

Not ones she had received, of course. No one had ever sent her a love letter, unless maybe her old summer correspondences with Severus counted. She had written these letters herself, to put all the feelings out on the page, make them tangible, and then let them go. Picking up the small stack she blushed at the most recent one facing up to her. _Marlene McKinnon_. Letting go didn’t always work. 

Perhaps she should have burned that particular letter; it was so shameful. The feelings that swelled in her chest and tickled her stomach for another girl didn’t make any sense at the time. Lily wasn’t a _lesbian_ , as evidenced by her wandering thoughts of James and the two letters still sitting in the box. The one before Marlene read _Remus Lupin_ and the very first letter _Frank Longbottom_. 

But she couldn’t bring herself to burn the pages dedicated to the blonde girl. So much of her heart was poured into these words that they felt almost powerful. Like some kind of magic in itself. They existed for her benefit so that someday she might read them and reflect on her growth. The letters would never, ever be sent to the address on them. In the corner of the room, Lily’s pet owl gave a sleepy hoot, like he’d read her mind. Or more likely heard the rustling of parchment. 

“No, Louis this letter isn’t for sending,” she told the black owl, crossing the room to the sole desk. He blinked his piercing yellow eyes slowly back at her. 

“I’ll feed you in a minute.” She had to hurry before her sister burst into the room, demanding to know why the door was closed and what she was doing. Lily pushed aside her sister's stacked textbooks for that school year, the spines boasting normal subjects like maths and history. She practically slammed the parchment down with how heavy her nervous hand was. With her self inking quill at the ready, she took a steadying breath. Now to mull over the thoughts she would never speak to James Potter. 

He was one of those full name types, where simply saying one name didn’t do his entity any justice. Not James, not just Potter, but James freaking Potter as he would announce when recounting the way he scored a goal to the entire Gryffindor common room. As if they hadn't all just seen it at the match hours before the party. That seemed fitting to start her letter then. 

_James Freakin' Potter,_

****

_How I loathe you and that incessant cowlick above the arch of your left brow. I was quite intent on hating you for the rest of my life, and that would have been fine by me. When we were kids I was able to believe you were nothing more than a cocky bully of a boy. And you were. Until we grew up. Don't get some savior complex thinking how you saved me from Snape, but it was because of you I could see him for what he truly was. Of course, then I just thought both of you were gits until..._

****

_Until._

****

_Until we became friends. I knew Remus wouldn't vouch for someone unworthy of his word. You're a good friend, and that is how I came to love you. Only when you stopped flirting with me was I able to see who you really were. Seems fitting that the only way I could come to love you was when you finally got over me. Maybe that's what made you finally start treating me like a person. When you carry my books just because they're slipping out of my hands instead of as a gesture vying for my affection, the way you only laugh at my jokes when they're actually good instead of pity laughs. None of it feels like you're trying to impress me anymore, because you aren't._

****

_I already lost my chance. We're just operating on different timing. Like ships passing in the night, we could have been something great._

****

_Love,_

_Lily_

The ink needed to dry before she could properly fold it up into an envelope. In the meantime, she went hunting through her drawers for a picture. The one thing that littered the entire room, even dangerously slipping into Petunia's territory, was magical film. Lily's camera hung from a tricolored strap on the back of their door, waiting to be used again. There was too much to sift through going all the way back to first year. At first, her obsession was driven by the want to show her parents glimpses of the world she was a part of. And to prove a point to Petunia. They would have fights about how Lily probably had no friends at all when suddenly the next day a photo of Marlene and Lily ice skating in lazy circles was stuck in their shared mirror. 

Lily had albums, frames, photos tacked to her wall, a pile at the bottom of her trunk. That was where she went to fetch the photo of James from the year prior, whipping past the camera faster than a shooting star on his broom. Just developing that picture had been a challenge in itself. Taking it with the right frame rate to capture as much of him as possible, adjusting the speed, and lastly getting it to loop perfectly for her. The effort she put into getting the perfect picture made it all the more worthy of being wrapped up, nestled between her not so loving declaration. 

She was creasing the final fold of the parchment with her fingernail when the door slammed open, handle knocking into the doorstop to affirm its place in life. Lily jumped out of her skin, frantically putting the letter and photo into the envelope she'd already addressed. 

"What are you doing?" Petunia asked, instantly suspicious of her younger sister's jerky movements. Lily swept the letter up in her hands and jumped out of the chair. 

"Nothing!" She said holding it tightly to her chest. Petunia's squinting muddied grey-blue eyes scanned her from top to bottom. The redheaded sister backed up to the top of their dresser, tucking the envelope under the crack between the wood and Louis' cage. 

"You better not have messed up any of my books." She seemed content to move on, beginning to examine the books for any signs of damage. Like Lily was just sitting there flinging dirt around the place or something. 

"I swear they're in perfect condition." Lily jutted her hands out from behind her back to wave the foolish accusations out of the air, and more so to prove that her hands held nothing suspicious. Petunia's dark eyes just squinted at her with an air of suspicion flicking between her sister and the ratty animal that she was forced to share a room with. To her that was one and the same. 

Lily sat back on the top of her bed, shoving the shoe box back under her bed with her foot. Then suddenly, dramatically, she forced a yawn causing Petunia to cast a long glance her way. 

"Well, I'm tired. I think I'm just going to take a nap," she said, trying hard for the Academy Award. Lily put her head down on the pillow, turned to the wall looking away from her sister with her heart still hammering in her chest. _Bloody hell._


	2. you & i

When Lily woke up from the nap that was supposed to be for show she looked to Louis' cage where the corner of the parchment was still sticking out and the owl was clicking his beak on the golden bars. Damn lucky Petunia hadn't seen, the older Evans sister was always nosy, with a lanky body so long it was built for leering. She got up out of bed to open the cage door Louis continued to bite at and he hopped out. Lily chose to avoid her sister in favor of better things to do, like homework. Better yet, seeing her friends outside the castle walls. They were only a few days out from September 1st, and there was still school shopping to be done. That was why she had plans with Marlene, which was exactly the thing she needed to shake off these thoughts of James Potter. 

Marlene was in a relationship with Sirius Black. The both of them would probably protest at the word relationship, or girlfriend and boyfriend, or anything that implied commitment. But Lily would call things as she saw them every time, and this was no exception. Their explosive on-again, off-again nature didn't help their case stay afloat. Marlene would probably bring him wherever she went this summer, and the problem with that was Sirius' infamous best friend. Wherever Sirius went James would be sure to follow if you waited long enough. 

There was no guarantee that she would see him, but Lily dressed up cute all the same. The white cotton dress would keep her cool in the summer heat, it was a _practical_ decision, she convinced herself always justifying even when no one was questioning. A burnt orange sunhat sat atop her fiery colored hair and there were several rustling layered chains around her neck some reaching as far as her bellybutton. 

The song emitting from her record player made her laugh. As Nancy Sinatra proclaimed what her boots were made for, Lily put on her own pair of brown knee highs. In the past her friends had gawked at the sleek player, so unlike the bulky gramophones wizards often used. 

She looked at the clock, which informed she ought to leave now or risk being late. Lily was always on time, even though Marlene never was. To Marlene “on time” was considered at any point before the person waiting on her decided to leave. So really Lily could afford to take her time, but she made motions to leave now anyway. She knew Petunia would be coming home soon and decided to miss her altogether. 

“I’m going out, Dad!” she said, already halfway out the door when his sputtering response came. 

“Where are you off to Lily Pad? What are you doing?” The concern in his voice was apparent. Her parents didn’t fully understand the war and targeting of muggle-borns, but they knew enough to worry as parents always did. 

“I just need to go school shopping, don’t be such a worrywart.” His fear did remind her of the wand she kept faithfully glued to a holster on her leg. It was hard to look inconspicuous in muggle neighborhoods, wielding a stick like a weapon. Initially, she tried sewing wand pockets on every pocketless garment she owned but found it cumbersome after the pinpricks of crimson blood cropped up on the ends of her pale fingers. 

“I will be home before sundown,” she assured before he could tell her to do so. Lily turned back, to kiss her father on the cheek, and with a resigned sigh, he smiled giving her the silent permission she needed to leave. 

Not everyone lived within traveling distance of Diagon and would prefer to take the magical route. Lily didn’t mind public transit though. Her skin did glean with sweat from being packed like sardines in a metal can with far too many muggles, but even that was more tolerable than the sickening feeling of apparation. 

Lily guarded the chair across from her like a pit bull, hoping no one would feel privy to take Marlene’s seat in the ice cream parlor. Before her was a dripping double scoop ice cream cone, the bottom a rich brown chocolate frog flavor, and the top a creamy golden butterbeer. The flavors combined perfectly, but when her blonde friend finally kicked the door open she instantly had something to say. 

“Butterbeer is not a prime ice cream flavor, Evans.”

“Always so opinionated, McKinnon.” It was true. Marlene McKinnon had an opinion about everything, and Lily couldn’t say she wasn’t just the same. It was why they got along so well. When they agreed. 

“If you want butterbeer why don’t you just drink butterbeer?” Marlene slung her purse across the back of the chair and turned to inspect the menu. “They even have a butterbeer _float_ , you could have gotten that.” 

“I like my choice, thank you,” Lily said. 

“Always the worst taste you’ve had.” Marlene was just teasing now, but it did cause Lily’s cheeks to tinge a shade of pink. If her feelings for James Potter were any indication, she did have the worst taste. If only Marlene knew she should have been offended by that. 

Thankfully the back of her curly mop was facing her as she pointed, leaving smudged fingerprints on the glass ice cream case, to place her order. Marlene was easily one of the most beautiful girls in their year, her blonde hair had a bouncing life of its own, and her eyes were a rich brown color. Everything about her was so unlike the typical standard, which made her effortless natural look all the more show-stopping. Her smile was easily winning all the awards. Behind the counter, Fortecuse quickly made up a sundae with three perfectly rounded scoops of Bertie Bott’s every flavor ice cream, topped with hot fudge, whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, and of course a cherry. 

Marlene returned with a gleam in her eye and a maniacal smile down at her ice cream. 

“Now _that_ is how you order ice cream.”

“If you wanted Bertie Bott’s every flavor beans why didn’t you just get that,” Lily said in a mocking voice. 

“Shut up and eat your cone before it melts.” Marlene’s mouth was already stuffed full with a large spoonful. Lily did attend to her cone, licking down the side just before it touched her hand. Across from her Marlene stared at the movement with whipped cream on her nose. 

“You are an animal, Marley,” Lily laughed, grabbing a napkin from the dispenser between them and handing it to her. Marlene looked confused so Lily made a wiping gesture across her face. 

“Speaking of animals...” Lily trailed off, looking around the shop as if one of the boys would suddenly jump out from behind a chair. That wasn’t entirely unlikely in all honesty. “Where’s Sirius?” She couldn’t very well ask about James, since that would be immediately suspicious and she would have no idea. Marlene’s brown eyes rolled practically into the back of her head at the mere mention of his name. 

“He’s absolutely rubbish at writing letters over holidays, you know?” Lily didn’t know, but she could see it. 

“So he’s... Working on his penmanship?” Lily inquired. 

“No, I mean-, It’s like if I’m not seeing him all the time, day in day out, he might as well forget I exist,” Marlene explained. 

“Ooooh.” Lily couldn’t understand that at all though. Marlene was a permanent fixture in her mind, but of course, they were best friends. 

“It was easier just to break things off for a while.” Better than getting cheated on. Though Sirius would argue it wasn’t technically cheating, and Marlene’s jealousy would argue that technicalities didn’t matter. The only thing that really mattered to Marlene, was how Marlene was feeling. 

"So you'll get back with him the second you see him on the train?" End it for the summer and pick up where they left off. Where they left off was usually with their hands down each other's pants. 

"I didn’t say that!” she said. 

“You didn’t have to,” Lily replied. Marlene made a sour face when she took another spoonful of her ice cream and in a choked voice explained,

“Lemon sorbet.” That was why Lily didn’t see the appeal of an ice cream that changed with each bite. You were bound to get conflicting flavors at some point. 

The two teenagers were still giggling over their shrinking servings of ice cream when the bell on the door rang to announce a new arrival. People had been in and out all day; hot weather was ideal for business in an ice cream parlor. Both of them expected to turn their heads to see yet another stranger but instead, Marlene’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Alice Fortecuse, is that _you_?” Marlene asked in surprise. Before them was a beautiful round-faced woman with cropped hair, several years older than the two girls at the table. 

“Oh! Little Lils and Marley,” she exclaimed joyfully looking over the two of them. “It’s actually Alice Longbottom now. Has been for about three years.” Marlene’s jaw practically fell onto the floor but Lily kept her composure. Frank and now apparently Alice Longbottom had been seventh years when Lily and Marlene came in for their first. Both were Head Boy and Girl, total power couple. Everyone heard about how they went on to be Aurors immediately after school, and apparently got married. 

“Congratulations!” Marlene said, clearly ignoring the fact they were years late to the news. “Let’s see the ring.” The blonde made grabby hands at the older witch who obliged holding out her hand. On it was a humble vintage ring with an oval-shaped diamond and a marching band. 

“Ugh, gorgeous.” Marlene sounded almost disgusted by the fact like she’d been hoping it would be ugly. 

“Yes, it’s lovely. Congrats again, Alice.” 

“Thanks, girls. The two of you have gotten so _big_.” Something like that could have come off as an insult from any other witch, but Alice’s words were only ever as sweet as the ice cream her family sold. The two of them let her go to head in the back, presumably to speak with her father, and turned back to one another, their faces mirroring the same shock. 

“ _Married_?” Marlene whispered, her eyes so wide they could fall out of her head. 

“Apparently,” Lily replied with a shrug. Though he wasn’t here, she could recall Frank Longbottom’s face well. Maybe a bit too well. She had to wonder how much he’d changed in so many years though. Alice herself was now clearly a woman, which meant Auror Frank would be all man. 

“Can you believe people we know from school are getting married?” Marlene was still hung up on that concept. 

“They’re a _lot_ older than us, Marlene.” Not that that had ever stopped her giant honking crush on the head boy. Their own whispers echoed against the ones coming from behind the order window that presumably led to a small back kitchen. Alice and Florean’s heads were bowed close together as they mumbled darkly. 

“Are you finished?” Lily pulled her eyes away from the whispering family and nodded shortly, figuring she was close enough to finished with her cone that she could pick up and leave. Marlene threw the soupy remains of her melted ice cream into the trash and called thanks to the Fortecuses who gave no response. 

"Got your supply list?" Lily asked, holding her own letter in one hand and chomping the last remains of her pointed cone in the other. 

"Why should I, when you've got yours Miss Perfect Prefect." Lily swallowed with a small cough as a jagged broken piece scratched along her esophagus. 

"Shut up," she said her lips tinged with the remains of sticky chocolate cream.

“They sure seemed to be muttering about something quite intense back there,” Lily noted, looking over the alley. It seemed uncharacteristically empty for the time of year. 

“Were they?” Marlene had been too busy with her own hushed gossip to pay any attention. As they walked down the cobblestone, they soon found the reason that Diagon was a ghost town. 

  
One of the shops in the middle of the alley had all of its windows shattered, glass littering the sidewalk like stars in the sky. The sign that typically boasted _Clara’s Crystals_ had been ripped from its post. Several people were milling at the edges, trying to get a good look at the scene, and a few wizards in Auror robes pushed them back. This must have been where Alice came from, and what she was discussing with her father. On the door to the small store, the word 'MUDBLOOD' was emblazoned in bright red. Lily’s heart dropped into her feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! I'd love any kudos, comments, feedback, or critique. This is my first time writing marauders so I'm trying to make them my own and also stay true to the fanon idea of character. If you want to see the full cast as it exists in my mind I have it on my Pinterest here https://www.pinterest.com/lelderwine/fic-to-all-the-lions-ive-loved-before/ & you can follow me on tumblr @ shslflamingarrow. xx


	3. you're not good enough

Marlene's hands grabbed her by the shoulders, causing Lily to jump like a spooked cat. The blonde looked her dead in the eye, and where there was normally a trace of a laugh in her expression there was none. 

"C'mon." She tugged at Lily and the two stumbled away from the crowded scene. Her boots stumbled on the pavement now, her brain lagging far behind her in the spot they'd left. 

"Who would do something like that?" Lily asked with a cotton dry mouth. It was a stupid question in the powder keg of rising tensions, but her shock couldn't articulate anything else. Her mind simply couldn't wrap around the malicious action. 

"Could be Death Eaters..." Marlene said. It was cruel to say, but the volatile nature of the group didn't match up with the tame crime. "Or could be someone our age. Idolizers. Someone like-,"

"Someone like Severus Snape." Lily didn't have to hear Marlene say his name laced in as much hate as he deserved. 

"Could be." The vandalism did seem more in line with a petty student's actions, but the motive was the same no matter who did it. To invoke fear, and run people like Clara (and Lily) out of the wizarding world. 

“People like that need to get a hobby,” Marlene continued in her tirade, her anger coming from an outside view as a pureblood. “I mean seriously, you don’t see us going around writing ' _inbreeder_ ' on their stuff.” Lily figured Marlene expected her to laugh, at least half-heartedly, but she just didn’t have it in her. Instead, her eyes could only focus and hazily unfocus on the faces of the people around them, wondering which ones might be hiding behind masks in the black night. 

“Let’s go look at books, you love books!” Marlene tried again to lift her spirits, and this time she obliged her friend. She did like books. 

When they arrived at the bookstore though, they were met with an unfortunate sight. Not the same as the repulsive vandalism, but an unfortunately attractive obstacle. Marlene spied James through the window to Flourish and Blotts first, her eyes nearly bugging out of her head as she jutted her arm out. Lily walked into it, instantly being flung back out of sight against the side of the window's decorative shutters. Coughing from the sudden punch to the gut, she shot a glare at Marlene.

"James is in there," she hissed. Suddenly Lily straightened, trying to catch a glimpse through the glass without being seen herself. She was distracted for several moments, her ears filtering out everything her friend was currently saying. Two fingers snapped in her face.  
"Hey, I _said_ , 'do you think Sirius is with him'?" Marlene asked, clearly cross at having to repeat herself.

"I dunno, usually they're everywhere together. But I don't think I see him..." Lily's emerald eyes scanned as much of the bookstore as she was able to through winding shelves and stray stacks. The only thing in sight was James Potter's perfect mug, and it was hard to look for Sirius Black when all Lily wanted to do was look at him. His coarse messy hair, and lovely jawline, the way his hooded brown eyes wrinkled with laughter behind his frames

"All I see is-," Lily's voice cut off with a horrified gasp. "James getting his bloody _face_ sucked off by a pair of legs in a miniskirt."

"Just the legs?" Marlene leaned in, suddenly curious to catch the show. 

"You know what I meant," Lily snapped. Now they both peered into the window, looking like a pair of floating heads from the inside, one just above the other. 

"Godric Gryffindor, is that _Rosie_?" Marlene asked after several seconds of extended silence, watching the most disgusting train wreck of lips for more than a fair share of time. 

"Rosmerta?" Lily asked, her voice growing higher in pitch with each passing second. Suddenly she was growing hot under the collar she wasn't wearing. 

"I think I'd recognize that red mop anywhere." 

"Oh, you're one to talk about having a mop, Marls." Though it was true that Rosmerta's unruly hair rivaled the blonde in curliness. 

"Well if Sirius isn't around I see no issue with going in-," 

"No!" Lily shot out to grab Marlene's arm, as she'd already begun to head for the door.

"What has gotten into you?" Marlene asked with a laugh, looking her friend up and down like she might find a sudden physical ailment unnoticed until her rash behavior lashed out. Lily cleared her throat and dropped the arm she clenched. 

"I mean, no," she said firmly, smoothing the front of her dress. "Surely wherever he goes Sirius will follow. He'll probably be here any minute." Lily suggested the threat so offhandedly that Marlene might not even notice she was manipulating her. 

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were back to avoiding James Potter." Or not. Lily sputtered a few times, openly scoffing at the idea and only digging her suspicious hole deeper, looking more and more like a grave each second. 

"Why would I avoid James?" Lily said. 

"He put the moves on you again?" It's half suggestion, half guess. "Well, if that's the case looks he's moved on alright." 

He hadn't put the moves on her, not since the middle of last year when he chivalrously declared he would respect her rejection and remain a friend. Lily had a feeling Remus had finally pointed out how his constant pursuit in spite of her lack of interest didn't make him any better than Severus Snape. And _clearly_ , he'd moved on alright. He and Rosmerta had ceased their gratuitous public display of affection but now stood more casually, with his arm around her waist hanging onto the opposite hip for dear life. 

"What's he doing with her anyway? Or she him? Isn't Rosie nearly twenty-one now?" Lily said that as if twenty-one was ancient and not totally attractive to teenage boys. "What does she want with a seventeen-year-old boy?" It was Marlene's turn to scoff. 

"I can think of a few things..." She said, giving Lily a sly smile. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous." There was a long pause where Lily should have been laughing at Marlene's ridiculous joke and the blonde picked up on it immediately. She whipped her head from the window to look back at Lily with wide, demanding eyes. They could speak exclusively through facial expressions when words were hardly enough. 

"It's a good thing you know better." Lily stood up straight, abandoning their spot crouching behind the potted flowers and turned to the shop door. She could go in, get her school books, and get out. She no longer wanted to spend her day ambling through the alley, floating from shop to shop with her friend. Instead she wanted to escape as soon as possible, and retreat from the overstimulation the wizarding world only ever offered. She pushed the door open with a ring of the bell to announce her arrival, Marlene tailing quickly behind. Not many people in the store paid mind, but James spotted them instantly. 

"Hey! Evs, Kinny!" He called, now causing several shoppers to turn their heads curiously with his booming voice. The girls exchanged a short look of annoyance with their nicknames before walking over. Marlene still appaeared on edge, looking around like Sirius might pop out from any shelf. 

"Hi, James. Uh... Rosmerta." Lily forced herself to smile at the pair, while Rose made a quick show of grabbing onto James' hand. 

"Jay," Marlene muttered, looking anywhere but the pair. 

"So," James said. "You guys are out school shopping? Girls day?" 

"S'pose so," Marlene answered for them and Lily was grateful. "And you? Girls day?" Her brown eyes settled on Rosemerta who as the oldest was an entire head shorter than Lily, at the shortest. 

"Suppose so," he repeated with a laugh. "You guys know Rosie, she's been waiting at The Three Broomsticks since graduation." They were familiar with her for that position and before that. Everyone went totally nutters over Rosmerta in school, and it was obvious why. The girl was absolutely gorgeous, nice face, totally fit, amazing cleavage. Younger boys and older alike would chase her, but it always seemed like no one had a chance. The way she held James' arm was clearly proving otherwise. 

"Right, hello girls!" Rose said. Marlene shot an incredulous look at Lily, begging to know how they were _girls_ when she was dating a _boy_ their age. 

"I needed to get my supply shopping done, summer's almost up you know?" James said like he was explaining. They did know that much, but still had a lot of questions.

"Sure," Lily said. 

"But, well, we won't have much time to hang out in school, except Hogsmeade weekends so Rosie wanted to tag along. Relive that feeling of shopping for school again." Sounded like desperate clinging on to past youth in Lily's opinion. 

"Makes perfect sense," was all she said. "Well, it's been great, I gotta go find my Arithmancy textbook. You don't take that elective right?" 

"No way," James laughed. Lily knew that, though James was able to pull excellent grades, he didn't see worth in classes that relied more on practical work as compared to classes that were all magic and hard-earned skill. 

Lily pulled Marlene into the Arithmancy section, dizzying the blonde with the numbers being thrown all around them. She didn't take the class either. The two of them were crouching again like they still needed to be covert. James knew they were there now and if he wanted to find them he would. The way he giggled with Rosemerta she doubted he could be bothered. 

"Can you believe that? They're really, like, going steady." Marlene said.

"Do you think it's official?" Officially official, not like Marlene and Sirius official. 

"Looks pretty exclusive from where I'm standing." Marlene kept peering around the end of the shelf at them like some kind of private eye. Lily was scanning the shelves for her textbook _Numerology for the Divine Sighted_. 

"He does certainly have a type though, doesn't he?" Marlene piped up again.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, intentionally missing her point. 

"Oh, come off it," she said. "Short girl, red hair, fantastic breasts." Marlene gestured over Lily to prove the point of her words, causing her to adjust the strap of her dress with a blush. 

"I don't see it," Lily muttered. 

"Oh, puh-lease."

"It might not last long," Lily said, changing the subject but not entirely. Her mind couldn't stay off the sticky subject of James Potter "Once we're at school, they said it themselves, they'll hardly see each other a lot." 

"Sure, but it's hardly long-distance Hogsmeade to the castle," said Marlene. "And you know he knows how to sneak out." 

"No, I do _not_ know that. I'm a prefect." She did know, but plausible deniability was an important guise to hide behind. 

"Anyway, you know she rents a room there, it's not like they'll have to hunt for some privacy." The thought of James sneaking through Hogwarts’ depths to get into Rosmerta's room bathed only in candlelight under the night sky. She could practically be sick. 

"Well, I guess we'll see." Lily found the book and grabbed it before heading out the opposite end of the shelves from where James would catch sight of them. 

"Seriously, are you okay? You're acting a bit cross."

"I'm fine," she said, feeling totally not fine. It was like her organs had begun a war, and her stomach must have been losing. 

"Oh come _on_ ," Marlene implored, following Lily out past several stacks of books taller than them.

"Honestly, I'm fine. James has a new girlfriend and he's totally over me. It's all I ever wanted." It used to be. James was such a nice guy come to find, and now after years of him pining, she'd lost her chance with him. It was like in a moment of hubris Lily had foolishly assumed he would always be there, waiting in the wings for her. Of course, James didn't do waiting in the wings; he was center stage, spotlight and all. He wouldn't have it any other way. In the magizoology section, they found their Care of Magical Creatures books and happily toasted them against each other, realizing they'd snagged the last two on the shelf. 

"You think they'd wise up and sell these as a bundle. By year group." Marlene was always quite business-minded, her father having extensive experience as a sales manager for their bulk potion supplies. 

"Then you wouldn't end up walking around the whole store getting sucked into buying other books you don't actually need," Lily pointed out, her arms full of more books than the list called for. 

"Only you buy more books than you have to, Lils." Marlene laughed at her own joke flinching when the other girl mimed like she was going to throw their transfiguration book at her. 

Once they had all their books tied together with string that would make them light as a stack of paper, the two headed out. Apparently, James and Rosemerta had left before them without the two realizing, but that was fine by her. She'd seen enough. 

"Come on, I made our reservation for robe hemmings," Lily said, checking her watch to realize if they left now they'd arrive exactly on time to being five minutes early. 

"Lily Joanna Evans, you're my dream woman." If making appointments was all it took to be Marlene McKinnon's dream woman, she was passing with flying colors by now. 

"Shut up," Lily said, her voice laced with a blushing laugh as their feet hit the bricks once more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always the reads, kudos, and any reviews are much appreciated. You can also come chat with me on tumblr @shslflamingarrow


	4. little miss sunshine

Lily felt like a proper victorian woman, blushing at the erotic sight of Marlene's ankles during their robe fitting. She needed to get her feelings, all of them, under control. She couldn't be silently pining, her heart aflutter for one friend let alone two. Let alone a girl and a guy. A guy dating a totally fit girl, and the girl on and off with a narcissist. It was too complicated. 

The pair of friends bid their goodbye, Marlene enthusiastically kissing her friend's cheek. The redhead didn't engulf in blush, but her cheeks tinged pink thinking of the mark that could be left from the girl's bright red lipstick. A Marlene staple. The blonde stood waving her arm like a maniac until Lily was out of sight on the bus once again. Her parents preferred that she take the "normal" bus as they put it. Following the typical schedule, safety of the mundanity. It wasn't like the Knight Bus, where she could possibly be singled out. But only if someone knew her well enough to know what she was, and that made it all the worse. 

When she got home, arms loaded with books, freshly mended robes, and a restock of owl food, Lily entered the door breathlessly. Both her mother and father piped up from the kitchen with glee at the early return of their youngest daughter. 

"Lily, dear, hi!" Her mum was awake now. She hadn't been when Lily left, because the woman loved to sleep in while her loving husband doted over making her breakfast. They were a perfect match. 

"Hey, Mum." She put her shoulder in for a half-hug, then leaned to her dad. He kissed the opposite cheek as she'd done when she left, bringing it full circle back home. 

"How were the shops, then?" her father asked from over the paper he read. Muggle, of course.  
“They were..." She faltered, remembering the shattered remains of Clara's Crystals burned into her mind. "Fine." It was best not to tell them about it. They'd only worry for her safety again. The Evans parents were already so worried about sending her to Hogwarts in wartime, but there wasn't anywhere else to go that was safe. Nowhere would be totally safe. 

"That's nice. If you wash up, we'll have a bite of lunch." Her stomach growled at the mention of food. Though she'd had ice cream, Lily had skipped breakfast and had no real nutrients in her. 

Lily headed up to her room to change freely into something more comfortable. Simple black workout shorts she used for anything but the act of working out, and a tank top was a perfect summer lounging fit. She was just pulling her red locks into a bright green scrunchie when she realized something was off. Louis was still not back from his hunt when she'd let him out in the dusky morning air. Usually he would have returned and napped again, but he was missing. Then she noticed the letter that had been sticking out from under his cage was missing. 

She screamed. 

She knew it was an overreaction, but she couldn't contain the mortified, lung breaking, horror movie scream. Downstairs she could hear the scraping of chairs across the floor as her parents practically toppled the kitchen table to jump up. Lily ran to the owl cage shoving it aside with little regard for the way it fell up against the wall. The letter wasn't there. Just as she began to hyperventilate, her parents threw the door open. In his hand, her dad held a frying pan he'd clearly just yanked out of the sink. 

"What's wrong!?" Her mother asked, looking frantically around the room. Lily's mind panicked for something to say. Behind their parents, Petunia drifted into frame from her spot where she'd been reading on the couch.

"I saw a... Spider." She couldn’t say a thing about the letter to anyone. Louis must have noticed the envelope and taken it out for delivery. Petunia was clearly bored by this answer and drifted back out. 

"A _spider_? Goodness Lily, next time could you not scream like you've been murdered?" Her father wasn't scolding her exactly, but she could see the stress in his eyes. Lily knew she put her parents through a lot, and a wave of guilt washed over her. 

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry." She really was, but her regret was consumed by the obsessive thought of her letter. Her parents turned to leave and as they did a flutter of black feathers landed on the desk. 

" _Louis_ ," Lily gasped, hurrying to check the bird for any letters. He had nothing, no letter to or from James Potter. She buried her face in her hands, feeling the urge to scream again, but she resisted. Instead, she gave a low groan, sinking down to sit on the floor. Louis gave an annoyed hoot, having been expecting his usual chin scratches. If the letter wasn't here that surely meant Louis mistook it for outgoing mail. 

Just to be sure, Lily slunk onto her stomach, eyes scanning under the bed. The shoebox was still intact, exactly where she’d left it. She slid it across the dusty floor not even pulling it out entirely to peek in under the lid. The rest of her letters were still there. Still safe. She wondered if it would have been worse for these to get out than her most recent one. 

She remembered James standing close to Rosmerta, looking like a perfect pair. No, surely this was the worst option. At least to the others she could explain they were feelings of the past. Written when she was younger and more foolish. It was hard to believe there was a time when she was more foolish, but then again she’d had a crush on Remus who was quite obviously not interested in her, let alone girls in general. But she was only twelve then. 

Lily was content to melt into her spot on the floor and die. Never to see the Hogwarts Express again, not returning to Hogwarts for one last year, and not facing James Potter’s stupid face, letter in hand. Merlin, she couldn’t _bare_ it. She had just delved into making pathetic groans of agony when the door opened again. In a panic she slid the box across the hardwood back under the bed, so hard it hit the wall her mattress was up against. 

“Are you really still whining about a spider?” Petunia spat down at her as she walked around her sister’s legs stretched across _her_ side of the room. 

“You didn’t see the spider!” Lily defended herself against the false accusation. “It was… Big. Huge!” This problem was huge, surely she could garner some sympathy for her fake problem. 

But Petunia was not overflowing with empathy for her younger sister in any situation. She probably just thought Lily ought to take care of her problems with magic. Lily sincerely wished she could. But there was no return to sender spell, though there really ought to be for situations like this. She could just imagine him getting home right about now, maybe with Rosmerta at his side. Did she know his parents? Did they like her? The letter would likely be sitting on his windowsill, perfectly sealed with her secrets inside, only to be torn open like Pandora’s box. But instead of humanity’s evils spilling out, it would only be the darkest crevices of her heart on display. 

James’ reaction was a wild card. He’d pined over her for years, maybe he’d be thrilled. That was wishful thinking though. When he confessed that he’d agree to set his feelings aside, it was because he had already gotten over them. He’d never been cordial out of respect, but because boredom had set in. Maybe James had been eyeing Rosmerta for some time. 

This was so _embarrassing_. 

“Tunia.” Lily finally sat up off the floor. 

“I told you to stop calling me that,” Petunia snapped. Lily ignored her.

“How come we don’t ever talk anymore?” The redheaded sister was pouting as she settled onto her bed. Petunia just cast her dark, sardonic gaze up from the romance novel she’d been reading and stared. It was a better response than being blatantly ignored. 

“Normal sisters talk about stuff, school, and… Boys,” Lily said. She tucked her hair behind her ear, only focusing on the floor. Like she could feel the letters burning beneath her that very second. 

“You’re hardly a _normal_ sister.” She should have anticipated that response. On some level she did, but Lily would do anything to stave off the anxiety eating away at her.

“Same to you,” Lily replied flatly. “Come on, you’ve been going with Vernon for a while now. What do you like about him exactly?” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Petunia asked, ever on the defensive.

“It’s not supposed to _mean_ anything, it’s just a question Petunia.” Their conversations were always stilted and standoffish like this. Petunia didn’t know anything about Lily’s friends or even James unless it was picked up in passing.

“I don’t have to like anything about him,” she said as if that were a good rebuttal. “And I don’t owe you an explanation about it.”

“God, you are so bitter!” Lily huffed, smacking her hands down on the bed as she got up. “See if I try to make conversation with you again.” She stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her with finality. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know the drill kudos & comments are like food to me, so if you like this, have predictions, or maybe wanna send ideas or just chat!! do that pls. tumblr @ shslflamingarrow


	5. this / that

It was a good thing Lily had fallen asleep so early the night before because for the next few nights she could hardly sleep a wink. Instead, she tossed and turned (much to Petunia’s annoyance as evidenced by her huffing) plagued by thoughts of James. When she finally did catch some sleep, it was nightmares about drowning in a sea of letters covered in a thousand paper cuts. She had to wake up early to catch the express on that first day of September, and so she did, with dark bags under her eyes. Her sister stayed sleeping in the bed beside her. True to her word, Lily hadn’t spoken to her for the rest of the night in the living room with their parents, pretending to watch the BBC. She came upstairs that night to an open window, Louis apparently out on his nightly hunt, and her sister’s steady breaths filling a dark room. They didn’t exchange a single word for the rest of their time together, Lily largely out of her spitefulness. Of course, it wasn’t very spiteful when Petunia was thankful for it. 

Her trunk was not only packed, it had been so since the first week of summer. Her uniforms, scarf, robes, all nestled perfectly into their place to await the school year. Then she only needed to top it off with a few things that had been unpacked for the summer, like her muggle clothes. All her new books were crammed into every available crevice along with the old. And on the very top, she’d nestle her letters. To be dealt with immediately upon arrival, and hidden away. They never left her side, mostly because she didn’t trust Petunia not to snoop while she was away. 

Lily checked on her sister to ensure she was still deep in her sleeping state. When she’d affirmed as much she bent over to find the box closer than she’d expected. She grabbed the box, pulling it back out covered in dust from having been rolling around under the bed. Lily amended she would clean under there when she got back home for the summer. Then it struck her that she wouldn’t return home for another summer holiday. It would simply be adult life after graduation. Lily would be moving out to her own flat, getting a job, very likely all on her own. She set the box down gingerly on top of everything as if it were made of Faberge, and gave it a small pat before dropping the trunk’s lid closed. In bed, Petunia jumped awake with a start and as her eyes focused in the bleary morning proceeded to glare at her sister. 

“Well, I’m off,” Lily said breaking their stalemate.

“Good riddance.” Petunia turned back over in bed to go back to sleep, and that was the end of it. 

Lily let her trunk hit each step on the way down, and there waiting by the door her mother scolded her for scuffing her stairs. Looking at the fair-haired woman she just exchanged the look of an exasperated teenager.

“Coffee,” she groaned like a zombie. Behind them from the kitchen, her dad popped out with a plain white ceramic mug in hand. 

“It’s tea, you don’t need to be drinking the hard stuff,” her father joked. Lily took the hot offering anyway, taking a moment to blow on the billowing steam before she took a drink. It was perfectly made to her liking, even though it wasn’t what she’d ordered. 

“Now hurry along, let’s go, you can bring your cuppa in the car.” Her mother shepherded her along out into the crisp morning air. 

Sitting in the back seat of the car reminded her of being a little kid. Instead of sitting improperly in the passenger seat on the way to the shops with her mum, she was stuck back safely behind both her parents. She contemplated kicking the back of her seat for old time's sake, but Petunia wasn’t there to complete the illusion. 

They pulled up in their tiny yellow car to the lot and her mother had to step out first before Lily could come tumbling out of the back behind her. Her foot caught in the seatbelt, and forcefully tugging her carry-on bag out with her she came out with a huff. Fixing some of the mess of straight stringy hair that had fallen in her eyes she found both her parents just watching her. 

“What?” She asked, wondering why they were both looking at her as if they were about to give her away at her wedding. 

“I can’t believe this is the last time we’ll be dropping you off,” her mother said in a teary voice, already sniffing in the cold. Lily dropped the now empty, still sticky tea coated mug into the passenger seat, abandoning the final piece of their home she dragged out with her. 

“Ach, mummm.” Lily said rolling her eyes at the already crying woman. “Let’s save it until we’re on the platform at least, please?” 

Her father pulled the heavy trunk out from the boot of the car and dragged it along for her. Lily held Louis, whom she was currently not speaking to, in his cage and her bag in the other. All her mum had in hand was a fistful of tissues. She could recall the first time they’d come to the train station, the instructions unclear and her heart unsure. Petunia was with them then, saying there was no such thing as Platform 9 3/4. Telling Lily this was all one big prank. Until Sev found them and graciously explained how to run at the wall and end up on the other side. He told Petunia if she didn’t believe it, she wouldn’t be able to come and would smack her big nose into the wall. Lily shouldn’t have laughed then or could have at least hid it better, but her sister had been grating on her insecurities that whole day. The whole summer really. 

He’d shown signs of his true colors even then, but Lily had done the same for herself. She liked that Sev was her friend who knew she was as special as she felt. He was practically the one who proved it to her. 

Petunia had made her way onto the platform just fine that day, proving that despite the bitter feeling in her heart, she still did believe. And now she’d have no choice for the rest of her life but to know a fact of the world few others were let in on. Lily went on the bright red train that day waving out the window to her mother on the platform, almost as weepy as she was now. Petunia never came back the following years. 

They all walked at the illusion wall with confidence, vanishing through it in plain sight while the muggles passing by them paid no mind. Her father expressed concern for their kind often, wondering how they were all so blind to what was all around them. 

The train platform was full of billowing smoke with families big and small there to send their children off to school once again. Most assuring themselves it was the best option for safety in the changing climate. The professors at Hogwarts would surely protect them from the dangers of the outside world. 

She saw some parents with new children who looked almost blissfully unaware of it all, while her own parents looked at her with haggard eyes. Lily was sure her own carried the same look on a much younger face. They walked along to find themselves a spot on the bustling platform, to say their goodbyes and have Lily hop on the train. In all their pushing, Lily suddenly spotted an elderly Chinese couple standing close together. The Potter’s had waited a long time to have their only son, having lived their young lives to the fullest before finally settling in with their boy late in life. They seemed happier for it in the long run. Mr. Potter was a homebound old wizard who loved his garden and Healer Potter was the schedule manager in the Dai Llewellyn ward. 

Her parents spotted the Potter’s and before she could stop them they waved, moving ahead of her to meet the couple. Lily fell back, slipping easily into the confusion of other people. She could not see James or even his parents right now in front of everyone. The Potters were easily some of the kindest purebloods she’d ever met. They didn’t mind discussing things like work and the weather with her muggle parents in passing while their children linked up with their friends. The Pettigrews and the Potters were long time neighbors and family friends, and Sirius would ditch the Black family as soon as possible, if he'd ever been by their side at all. Lily and Remus would link up early on knowing they’d have prefect duties to attend to right away. It was an eventual natural replacement to her meeting with Snape on the train platform earlier in their school career. 

Lily was still taking backward steps with her eyes trained on her father shaking Fleamont’s hand when she bumped into someone. 

“Oof.” She felt a pair of hands steadying her and looked up behind her to see a crooked grin looking down on her. 

“Most people walk forwards, ‘cause that’s the direction their eyes point L.J,” Sirius said, gently shoving her away from him. Lily spun around, the look on her face far too nervous. 

“Yeah, sorry… I was… Scoping out the look of things.” 

“Looking for a good compartment already?” he teased. 

Sirius, while a far cry from a class act, was well-liked. And for good reason. It was clear to everyone around him he was just as charming, funny, athletic, and smart as his partner in crime. His long black hair and dark tired eyes set off his bad-boy persona hand in hand with a womanizing one. Lily and Dorcas had spent weeks of their lives laughing themselves to tears at the notion. Sirius Black had only ever seriously entertained three girls. But somehow he coasted himself on the reputation of being a total lady killer on his looks and casual dating alone. 

“I guess you could say that,” Lily said. 

“Right, so anyway-, Have you seen Marlene?” Always one to cut to the chase, Sirius didn’t even attempt to hide his true motivation. 

“No, sorry. But…” Lily’s eyes flicked over for a moment to see James leaning down to mutter into his much shorter father’s ear. “James is over there. I bet Marlene has already hopped on the train, you could go split up and look for her.” 

“Fantastic idea, Evs.” He clapped his hand on her shoulder again, this time in parting, and split the sea of the crowd to go talk to James. 

Clearly, he said something about her because James did look her way, only for a moment. He looked ready to call out to her, his hand already reaching up. Lily didn’t stick around to see anymore, now physically ducking down into the crowd. She had to find Marlene, fast. 

It seemed like Sirius had succeeded in dragging James onto the train, and with any luck, the McKinnons would be arriving late. Lily came up behind her mother who turned surprised. 

“Lily! There you are! James was just here, I think he was looking for you.” Lily’s mum had always given her that look whenever James came up. The ‘you know he likes you’ look that told her she should like him too. Or that her mother was suspecting she did already. 

She was never far off. Mr. and Healer Potter both greeted Lily excitedly. The two of them admired the influence the young prefect had on James as much as they adored Remus for the same. 

“Lily, hello again.” His mother said so sweetly, reaching with both her hands to grasp Lily’s 

“Hi!” She said, feeling so tightly wound that the tension in her was about to snap. “Well, I really gotta get onto the train for the prefect's meeting.” Her parents chuckled at their ever punctual daughter but stepped in to give their goodbye hugs. 

In her parents’ arms, Lily wished she could stay right there forever. Safe from whatever was around them, like she was a little girl again. She squeezed both of them as strong as she could and received it in tenfold from both pairs of arms. 

Finally they broke apart and Lily took a short breath, trying to push away the tears she felt rising. 

“Okay,” she choked out. “I’m off.” She had to pry the trunk out of her father’s hands to get it onto the train, him looking at her with the same fondness in his eyes as he had when he’d let go of the back of her first bike with the training wheels pulled off. 

It was quieter on the train compared to the steaming platform and shouting tearful families outside, but that wasn’t saying much. Already there were eleven-year-olds finding their first experience with freedom away from their parents, running up and down the train cars shouting at full volume. Lily fingered at the perfect pin in her pocket, rubbing over it like a worry stone while she assessed the situation. 

There were more pressing worries on her mind as a teenager. Lily was not without flaw in slacking on her responsibilities in favor of her own pressing issues. She walked down the center of the train, peering gently into the unshuttered windows to find an empty one. Or better, one that had Marlene in it. 

Somehow by the time she reached the end of the train she had been lucky enough to not bump into Sirius or James again. She opened the sliding door to the prefect’s compartment knowing it likely wouldn’t be empty but it was a safe place. 

Except she forgot about the scar covered boy who would sit silently within. Remus’ hands were folded in his lap, already in his uniform, and he looked up to smile at her. If Lily had to see any of them, Remus was the best choice. 

“Lily, I was hoping to see you,” he said. The redhead let her trunk down with a thud, relieved to be rid of it until they got to the castle. 

“Hi, Remus,” she greeted, taking a seat across from him. “Good summer?”

“Suppose so.” He nodded before an uncertain look crossed his face. “Did some interesting reading.” Lily gave a small chuckle at that, classic Remus always pouring over the books his friends rejected in favor of natural talent. His hand reached slowly for his pocket pulling out a folded envelope. Her brow furrowed. For a second, Lily expected it to be his school letter ready to show her or maybe a note from the headmaster. Then, she recognized the envelope all too well. 

“Lily I’m so…” Her heart began to hammer in her chest, so loud she almost couldn’t hear what Remus was saying. In his hand was the worn old love letter Lily had written in their second year. 

“Oh, no. No, no, no,” she whispered, shaking her head. Her mouth was as dry as the parchment he was holding, and the room had begun to spin like she’d mistakenly stepped onto the Knight Bus. 

“Lily-, Are you okay? You look a bit pale.” She shook her head in a daze, catching one last eyeful of his pale scar riddled face before the world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehe >:D okay this is the last of the almost daily updates as I was just trying to get my cross-posting caught up. You know the drill this is where I beg for kudos & comments and tell you that you can follow me on tumblr @shslflamingarrow


	6. about love

Lily woke up on the floor. Remus held something that smelled like absolute piss in his hands, waving it under her nose. 

“Ugh.” She shot out her arm to shove him away, wrinkling her nose in disgust. He slipped the stopper back onto the vial he held, still kneeling over her as she lay on the ground. 

“Smelling salts, sorry. I think you fainted,” he told her. 

“Did I?” That explained why the back of her head was throbbing and she was lying looking up at the ceiling. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you, Lily,” Remus sounded apologetic as he wrung his hands, looking down on her like a concerned guardian angel up in the clouds. Lily clutched her head with one hand, leaning to sit up slowly as she tried to recall what happened in the moments leading up to this. 

Oh. 

“My letter!” She shot up, nearly knocking her head straight into Remus’. Thankfully he jumped back, saving them another fainting spell. Lily could see it was still in his hand and she reached out to snatch it from him. He looked at her like she was a feral animal who had wandered suddenly into his campsite, holding it up above their heads and out of her reach. 

“Lily, I’m so sorry. You know I think you’re great but I mean… The whole thing with James and-, I thought you knew I’m-, I’m  _ gay _ .” His voice cracked, dropping down to a whisper as he explained the last part. Thankfully they remained the only two prefects in the compartment. 

“I  _ do _ know that but I didn’t when I was twelve.” She didn’t even know if Remus himself knew when they were twelve, but some part of him must have. 

“Twelve?” He repeated. 

“That’s when I wrote the letter, stupid.” Lily reached for it again, and he straightened his spine to keep it out of her grip. 

“Can I please have it back?” She sighed, defeated once again by her shortness. He looked like he was trying not to laugh. 

“Well now that I know you were twelve things make a bit more sense,” he said. “I mean, it’s cute.” When she was twelve, it was cute. Now, it’s just pitiful. “I’d like to keep it.” 

“Remus, no,” she insisted. “That letter is personal, you weren’t supposed to read that. How did you even get it?” He furrowed his brow. 

“You mean, you didn’t send it?” He asked, clearly confused. “Louis brought it a few days ago…” 

“What?” She knew there was no way he’d taken the letter somehow when James’ had turned up missing. Lily had seen the letters still in the box with her own eyes. 

She spun around to look at her trunk sitting on the floor behind her. Scrambling into a frantic crawl she practically pounced on it. The box was sitting nestled exactly where she left it. Lily cast a suspicious look over her shoulder, at Remus who was still kneeling on the carpet with a confused look. She looked back to the box, hunching over her trunk in hopes of covering as much from view as possible. But it didn’t matter, the box was empty. 

Lily sunk back to laying on the floor, wishing she could faint again. She was mirroring herself only days ago when her letter to James went missing. What higher force was working against her? Was it some sort of magic? Had her letters somehow gained a consciousness of their own and sent themselves in the spirit of her old harbored feelings? 

This meant all of them were out. Her letter to a now-married Frank Longbottom, the letter to James, Remus’ letter still in his hand. And Marlene. Lily wondered if she should be thankful that she hadn’t come across the blonde yet. No, she definitely was thanking any god that would listen at that very moment. 

Her feelings for Marlene. What if she was totally freaked out about the fact that Lily might be… Something. Not normal, not straight. They both knew about Remus and understood him just fine. They could understand his attraction to men as they were experiencing it too. But maybe Marlene would feel like she’d been violated in Lily’s harbored thoughts and feelings. Lily didn’t realize she’d begun to whimper again and Remus sighed behind her. 

“Evans, what have you gotten yourself into?” He asked, finally falling into a sitting position at her side, back leaning against her still open trunk. 

“I didn’t do anything!” She wailed to the heavens. “Except… I wrote four stupid love letters that were never meant to be sent and now they’ve gotten out somehow!” 

“Well, sounds like that was your first mistake.” Remus was smirking at her side, and she was sure she could punch him. 

“Can I please have my letter back?” 

“Sure,” he said, making her heart swell with one small relief. “But I’d like to give it a dramatic reading to you first.” 

“Remussss,” she whined, burying her face in her hands. “Why?” 

“So I’ll never forget these words,” he said grinning. “It’s too hilarious. You  _ loved _ me, Lily Evans.” 

“Don’t feel too special,” she grumbled. 

“I’ll skip the reading if you tell me who the other letters went to,” he offered, always one to strike a good bargain when he saw an opportunity. A lightbulb went off over Lily’s head. Maybe he could help her with the James thing. Convince Remus the letter was just as old as the one addressed to him, and have him explain to James. 

“Fine,” she said, opening her scrunched up eyes. “But you have to help me.” He shrugged his shoulders making a face that portrayed he didn’t mind. 

Lily took a deep breath, and as she repeated the names over and over again, the flash of images across her memory recalled her moments writing them. Frank’s in the library when she ought to have been studying for class finals. Remus’ staring out the window of Gryffindor tower in the heat of the approaching summer holiday. Marlene hiding under her covers and writing by wand light before morning broke. James’ only days before in her room. 

“I wrote a letter to Frank Longbottom first…”

“The Head Boy?” Remus still sounded like he was fighting his laughter at her misfortune. 

“I was a child, Remus.” Eleven and still naive, thinking fairy tales and true love’s kiss was where everything ended. Seven years of difference didn’t matter where there was love. 

“Okay, then there’s me the next year?” 

“Almost third.” He nodded slowly, once again recalling the inciting incident that had made Lily’s heart flutter. When her foot had gone through a gopher hole outside Hagrid’s hut. She knew her ankle must have broken when it tried to bend the wrong way. The young second year had been left to cry until Remus found her out for a walk of his own on the grounds. When he helped her hobble to the hospital wing, listening to her sniffle along the whole way, she thought it was a bit romantic. Like she almost wished her camera was there, to capture how perfect the moment was despite how bad things felt. Pomfrey told her she’d just sprained it, but patched her up nonetheless while Remus sat patiently at her side. She commended him for being such a gentleman, which he took pride in. The same way he looked when he could put on his prefect badge. He really was admirable. 

“And next?” He asked, hoping to wrap this up before anyone else arrived. 

“James,” Lily lied, skipping over Marlene, so she could pretend it had been written longer ago than it had. 

“What?” He practically shouted. “When!?” So much for that plan. 

“That’s-, not important!” she sputtered.

“You know he’s going with Rosmerta now?” Remus inquired, still wearing a dumbfounded look on his face. Like he was wracking his brain for the moment Lily’s behavior had shifted. 

“Yes, I know that,” Lily said. “That’s why you have to help me.” Remus seemed to understand now. Lily’s letters were never supposed to get out, and not only had they, but it had also fallen in the hands of someone who already moved on. Ruining James’ relationship with Rosmerta would make her a total home wrecker. 

Would that be so bad? What if James suddenly picked up where he’d left off with his feelings for her and abandoned Rosie? But she knew truthfully he had already moved on. Getting this letter now would just be an ego boost. Lily felt like she could cry under all the stress.

“You said four,” Remus piped up. 

“Huh?” 

“Four letters. Who’s the fourth?” Marlene’s beauty flashed through her mind, warring against how attractive James still was to her. Was it possible to harbor feelings for two people at once? 

“I… wrote a letter… to…” Lily chewed on her lip, wondering if she should come up with a name on the fly. She could say it was Sirius, mark three out of four of their group off and leave it at that. But even pretending to be attracted to him made her feel like gagging. “Marlene.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is for the commenter who asked for an update! you're right! it's been a while. my b. <3  
> follow me on tumblr @shslflamingarrow


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